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  Finding Solace

  The Finding Series, Book Four

  CJ Allison

  © CJ Allison 2017

  This book is a work of fiction. Any resemblance to names or events that take place are strictly made up by the author.

  Warning: This book contains situations and languages intended for mature audiences over the age of 18 only.

  Cover design by Author

  Cover photo: Reggie Deanching, R+M Photography

  Cover Model: Matthew Hosea

  Editing: Erika McCabe

  This book would never have been even written if it weren’t for the absolute beautiful picture I saw and just pulled me to it. So Reggie and Matthew, this book is dedicated to you. Without that picture that is now my cover, this would have been a totally different book. Thank you.

  PROLOGUE

  Present Day

  I hear the announcement: now boarding flight 1090 non-stop to Baltimore Maryland…

  Christ. I feel my palms becoming sweaty. I fight the urge to just run out of the airport. Fuck the price of the ticket. It’s been years since I’ve been back home. I love my family, I just don’t like that God damn town.

  My best friend, pseudo cousin, is getting married and practically begged me to come home. She even went as far as asking me to be in the wedding. I can’t ever tell her no. I certainly can’t now since she says she’s counting on me to be an usher.

  This is the girl I still dream about but never can have. We aren’t related by blood, but we were raised as if we were. She couldn’t get past the feeling that it was wrong, and that broke my heart. I left home the moment I graduated and never looked back. Now I have to watch her walk down the aisle into someone else’s arms. Akia…

  CHAPTER ONE

  Reflection

  Zeke

  Named Ezekiel James Boyd, I came out kicking and screaming and never really stopped. My parents, Samson and Jamie Boyd, learned about my pending arrival the day they told my sister her adoption was official. They had been trying for five years to get pregnant and pretty much gave up. My dad said it took five years, nine months, and two weeks for me to come into their lives. He knew I was going to be a hot head, determined to do things my way.

  My mom didn’t have any family that was close. Both her parents pretty much abandoned her. Her best friends were her family, and I grew up believing they were my aunts and uncles. I had several sets of grandparents, and I always felt loved. Mom always said, “The best family you can have are the ones you make for your own.”

  Mom’s best friend growing up was Patience. Patience was married to Chance and they had a daughter named Akia. Akia was a year older than me and for as long as I can remember, I was in love with her.

  We were the youngest of all the kids in this dysfunctional but amazing family. My nickname was Zeke, but Akia could never say it right. To her I was Zee. To me she was Kee, since I had a hard time pronouncing her name as well.

  Zee and Kee, two young kids that were inseparable. I told her when we were five and six that I was going to marry her when we grew up. She would giggle and tell me I was silly.

  “Cousins can’t get married, Zee,” she would say when we got older and understood the dynamics of our family.

  “But we aren’t cousins, Kee,” I would argue.

  I never gave up that dream of her being my wife one day. That dream was stomped on every time she had the chance.

  When she started dating, I went insane. I can’t tell you how many guys I would beat up to try to keep them away from her.

  ♦♦♦

  From an early age, I had these feelings inside that I just couldn’t explain. There was this uncontrollable need to get just get away from it all. My dad said that I had a fire in my eyes twenty counties wide. I later learned this was from a song that he used to sing to me. It was all true. I just couldn’t see myself living in that small town. I wanted to go out and see it all.

  When I graduated from high school, I saw my opportunity. My dad was a police officer, later promoted to detective. I was always intrigued by his work.

  Computer Forensics was something that I thought was amazing. It was an opportunity for me to somewhat follow in my Dad’s footsteps, yet set my own path. Although there were local colleges that offered degree programs, I looked into where the program was offered around the country and found one in San Antonio. That town was significant to my family because that was where a resort that all the parents would all go to every year as a tradition. The kids would all stay with one of the grandparents, rotating each time to try to make it fair.

  When we were teenagers, the older kids explained what the resort was all about. It was a place that accepted all types of sexual orientations. It was a place where Uncle Bradley, Uncle Bruce, and Aunt Carrie could be completely comfortable. The family would go as support, and they all seemed to love the openness of the love that was felt there.

  I learned later on that it was not “normal” to be married to both a man and a woman. My Uncle Bradley, Uncle Bruce, and Aunt Carrie were just that and nothing more, my family. They had three kids, Michaela and William, who were twins, and then there’s Charlie. As a kid, it didn’t really seem weird, but as an adult, I look back and am still amazed at how they dealt with it all. No one knows who the dad is of any of the kids. To them they are both their dads.

  You see, I never saw anything unusual. They are dysfunctional at best, but for me, they were my uncles and aunts. All I saw was a loving family.

  Love was the predominate factor in the dynamics of our family. Love was what I felt every time I was in her presence. Real or not, I know I felt it for her. Akia, the girl who made me angry at her dismissal, the girl who I know felt something for me but refused to acknowledge it. We weren’t blood, but she just couldn’t get passed it.

  One of the times the parents went on their vacation, I decided to put it all out there. I was sixteen and she was seventeen. I set up a picnic at the place my dad proposed to my mom. This little spot on the towpath has always been special. My dad comes here to reflect and it’s a place we have shared family picnics.

  “Zee, what is this all about?” Akia asks.

  “Kee, sit down. Can we talk?” I ask.

  “You know we can, but this is, I don’t know, Zee.”

  “Listen, I need you to know. I have these feelings and maybe they aren’t right, but we aren’t blood. I... I think I love you.”

  I watch as she grabs her red hair, putting it into a ponytail, a sure sign that she’s gearing up for a fight. Fuck. I try to back pedal and tell her that I’m kidding. The words that come out take me by surprise.

  “Zee. You are everything. You have always been my best friend, my constant. You know I love you, but…”

  Great, the “but” comes out. I push my hands into my pockets and find it hard to meet her eyes. I don’t want to watch as she lets me down.

  I feel her press herself against me and places her hand on my face, forcing me to meet her eyes.

  “I have always loved you. We have a love that no one will ever understand. But…I can’t. It’s not right. I know we are not blood, but what will our parents’ think?”

  “Fuck them. I mean, come one! Like there’s normal relationships in our family. We have a poly relationship in our mix for fuck’s sake.”

  “True, but this can make our dad’s angry. I know that they have taught us that love is love. However, I don’t see them agreeing to this, I just can’t.”

  I pull her closer and place my forehead against hers. She feels amazing in my arms.

  Not knowing what really to do, I tentatively place my lips against hers. I can feel her shaking, but she doesn’t resist. It’s an innocent kiss at best but means the world to me that she let me in.


  “Let’s just enjoy this, okay. Face tomorrow as tomorrow.”

  “Okay, Zee, this really is amazing. I’ve never had someone else do anything like this for me, ever,” she says.

  “I hope you never do.”

  CHAPTER TWO

  Lessons

  Zeke

  That moment I had at the dock will go down as one of the most amazing moments of my whole life. At least to this point of my life. Even when I lost my virginity, it wasn’t as special as that little moment in time. Kee and I continued to talk every day and hang out together, but it wasn’t the same. She acted as if that moment never happened.

  You may wonder how I could have lost my virginity to someone else if I was in love with Akia. First, you have to understand how the teenage male mind works. All it took was hearing the douchebag that she was dating at the time brag about certain freckles in areas he shouldn’t know about. After his face accidently slammed into a locker, I made a date with one of the girls in my class. It didn’t take long after that before I was well on my way to being a douchebag myself, adding imaginary ticks to my headboard.

  I saw Akia graduate. I was there for her party and sat in the background, constantly wanting to know how she was really feeling. My dad says that he is an empath, meaning he feels people’s feelings, I guess I didn’t inherit that. I had no clue what she was feeling, and I all I felt was loss. She was accepted to a nearby college to study veterinary medicine, but it was still about an hour away. We stayed in constant contact, which didn’t sit well with the people we were dating. I say that was the reason I had so many girlfriends my senior year. Honestly, it was just me searching for a replacement.

  I worked every moment I had at Uncle Bruce’s mom’s farm. I was able to save up a lot of money. I had plans to drive across the country to school. I was going to take my time and enjoy my summer before entering into the college life.

  Kee came home for my graduation, and I tried to convince her to come along with me for the summer. During my party, I pulled her away from everyone to talk to her.

  “Zee, it sounds amazing, but I can’t. You know I have a boyfriend, and I’m planning on going back early to get an earlier start on classes.”

  “Boyfriend,” I mutter.

  “Don’t start, Zee. That’s not fair,” she says, placing her hands on her hips.

  “No. What’s not fair is the fact that in any other fucking universe, I’d be your fucking boyfriend,” I say, raising my voice.

  “Please keep your voice down. Someone is going to hear you,” Kee says through gritted teeth.

  “I don’t care who hears me. I don’t care who knows. You’re the one with the issue,” I respond, throwing my hands in the air.

  “Exactly. So, stop being an ass and leave it be,” she says, stomping her foot.

  “Now I’m an ass because I have feelings for you? That’s rich,” I say, laughing.

  “No, Ezekiel. You are being an ass because you can’t understand that this will never work,” Kee says, getting into my face.

  “Why not? Tell me one reason outside of our parents where this wouldn’t work!” I snap back, looking down into her eyes. Our faces are so close our noses are almost touching.

  “Because I don’t feel the same way as you do, Zee!” Kee screams as she steps back. I can see the tears starting to form in her eyes.

  My heart is pounding in my chest. I know she doesn’t mean it. How can she do this to me? I can feel myself losing control. I flex my fingers in and out of fists.

  “You keep telling yourself that, sweetheart,” I say in a softer but bitter tone. “I’m done. Thanks for ruining my party.”

  I left her standing there by herself in tears and headed back to the party. My parents wouldn’t let any of us drink, since we were underage, but man, did I need something. I headed straight to the kitchen, where I knew the drinks were for the adults in attendance, and practically chugged down half a bottle of whiskey. My throat burned, my chest felt like it was on fire, but slowly I could feel the pain slip away.

  I have both hands on the counter with my head in my chest as I hear the booming voice of my dad.

  “There you are. Why the hell is Akia crying, and why do you smell like you just drowned yourself in alcohol?” Dad asks.

  “Why don’t you ask her why she’s crying, since she seems to be able to lie without any issue?” I blow out a breath of air. “I really don’t want to talk about it, Dad.”

  “Well, I don’t want you drowning your apparent sorrows in the adult’s liquor. Talk to me, Ezekiel, I know something has been going on. I’m not stupid,” Dad says, pressing his hand around the back of my neck.

  “She’s just…nothing…she’s nothing anymore. I asked her to tag along with me this summer and she acts like I’m asking her to marry me,” I huff.

  “And what are your intentions, Zeke? I know you care about her. I’m sure she knows, too. Does she feel the same way?” Dad asks.

  “What do you mean? We are best friends. Of course, we care about each other. Dad, please. I really don’t want to talk about this. I just want to hit something. I was going to wait a few days before leaving, but I can’t wait. I don’t want to be here anymore,” I shrug.

  “You know that’s not going to go over very well with your mother. She’s having a hard enough time as it is. Whatever is going on with Akia needs to be put aside. Don’t hurt your mom. You know I won’t be very easy on you if you do,” Dad says as he slips his arm around my neck.

  I think he’s going to put me in a headlock, but he just side arm hugs me. “Do I need to go get your sister Destiny to calm your shit down, or are we good?” Dad asks.

  “I’m not, but I will be. Even though right now I feel like I’m going to puke,” I groan.

  “Good. First lesson of adulthood. Don’t guzzle down alcohol to try to drown your sorrows. I’m here for you, son. You know you can talk to me about anything. Now go apologize to Akia,” he says.

  “I didn’t hurt her Dad, she hurt me. If anyone should apologize, it’s her,” I say, grabbing for a cup to fill up with water.

  “Second lesson of adulthood and one I thought I had instilled in you over the years: the man always apologizes. If you make her cry, you apologize. Even if you don’t feel like it’s your fault, it is. Just fucking apologize. Believe me, you’ll thank me one day for that little life lesson,” Dad chuckles.

  I look up and see Akia standing like she’s lost in the backyard. As if she senses me, I see her glance up and meet my eyes. I can see the sadness there and it breaks my heart all over again.

  “Can you see yourself never talking to her again? Never seeing her smile? Knowing the last time you saw her, you made her cry?” Dad asks, giving my shoulder a squeeze.

  “No…when you put it that way,” I huff. “But right now, I’m going to be sick.” I duck under his arm and run to the bathroom.

  I feel so stupid. Why the hell did I think it was a good idea to drink that whiskey? I empty the contents of my stomach and more before I feel like I’m finished.

  I hear Uncle Bradley yell from behind the closed door. “Serves ya right, you damn punk. Drinking my whiskey without asking. Fucking lightweight. You’ll never survive college at this rate.”

  “You are so mean. Leave him alone, and Aunt Carrie is looking for you,” I hear Akia say.

  “You’re lucky, Z-man. If my beautiful wife wasn’t in need of my presence, I was going to make you do a shot with me,” Uncle Bradley yells through the door.

  Just the thought of that makes me groan, which must have been loud since I hear Uncle Bradley laughing as he walks away. “I’ll take that as a grateful groan.”

  I feel a cool washcloth being placed against my neck. I look over to see Akia sitting on the side of tub.

  “I’m sorry,” we both say at the same time.

  “No, I’m sorry, Zee. I’m sorry that I can’t give you what you want. I do love you, just not in that way. You always tried to get your way, you know? Do you remember whe
n you were adamant that we would be married one day? I always thought it was just silly kids’ stuff. You meant it though, didn’t you? That time at the dock, you really were serious weren’t you?”

  “Of course, I was serious. I thought you understood that kiss, was real and I’ve never forgotten it. Have you ever known me to joke around about how I felt?” She shakes her head and goes to say sorry again, but I stop her. “Stop saying you are sorry, dammit.”

  “I can’t lose your friendship, Zee. Please.”

  “Boy, today is full of life lessons, I guess.” I huff.

  “What do you mean?” Akia asks.

  “Don’t try to drown your sorrows in alcohol, you will only get sick. Say I’m sorry, even if I don’t think it’s my fault, and don’t turn you back on your best friend, even if she doesn’t love you. I’ll always be there for you, Kee. No matter what.”